Christine O’Donnell: Burn the witch

I’ve been disturbed by reports that Delaware Republican Senate nominee Christine O’Donnell “dabbled in witchcraft.” We have had this problem up here in Massachusetts and New Hampshire. Witches. We know how to deal with them. Burn ‘em.

Still, it persists up in the hills. Dowsers. Even the flinty old New Hampshire Yankees do it, and the state brings them out to find water. And they plant their gardens at night by the moon.

The Puritans had the place purified of witchy practice, but then they all became real estate agents and no one cared after that. But then the others came in, putting those ornamented druid trees in the house on Winter Solstice and wreaths on the door. You can tell a true witch by the witch’s holly circle — their symbol — they hang on the door. It always turns to the left. Opposite of the way of progress. If they don’t have a wreath hanging, they are hiding it, and that tells you something right there. You can just ask them to draw a circle. If they draw to the left, they are witches. Or just throw them in the river to see if they don’t float. That works.

They even brought back the witch cycle of the seasons: Easter, Halloween — the season of the witch; they say it is the easiest time to get in touch with the dead — and Christmas, of course, high church day of Earth Mother incarnate celebrating the birth of their Star Child on Winter Solstice. We changed that and made believe Jesus was born then. They even wrote a song here in New Hampshire called “Jesus the Apple Tree” identifying the Lord and Savior with the tree deity, Cernuous, the Green Man and avatar of the old Celts.

I checked O’Donnell out in “The Handbook of Celtic Astrology,” a witch book. They use that. Because her birthday is Aug. 27, it says her totem tree is hazel and her animal is fish. She’s a witch. (Obama’s birthday is Aug. 4, his tree is holly like mine and his animal is unicorn like mine. It doesn’t tell you if he is a Muslim or not.)

We started burning witches up here in the mid-1600s when strange behavior exhibited by the four children of a Boston mason was attributed to witchcraft practiced by a cleaning woman named Mary Glover.

Turned out she was not a witch. She was a Catholic. Whatever.