The real meaning of the e-mail

“I thought it was time to catch up”

(“Why the hell haven’t you answered my previous e-mails?”)

“I’d love to get together to bounce some ideas off of you”

(“I am desperate for a job. Can we please talk?”)

“I’ve been meaning to get in touch since we had that tremendous conversation at the professional conference”

(“You might not remember a thing about it because you were totally wasted”)

“I came away thinking this is somebody I need to meet with again”

(“Actually, it was a good thing you were drunk most of the time, because sober, you’re a crashing bore. The truth is I came away thinking I would forever avoid you like the plague. But I had a job then. My standards are in the toilet now.” )

“I’ve attached my resume”

(“Which should get a Pulitzer Prize for fiction.”)

“And nothing would please me more than meeting you for lunch”

(“That and being waterboarded.")

"Warmest Regards”

(“Answer my damned e-mail.")

“John Doe, CEO, FSE”

(“Chief Executive Officer, Face Saving Entity”)

On those rare occasions when the recipient will condescend to send a reply:

“John: Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner”

(“I was hoping if I ignored you, you’d give up and go away.”)

“Of course I remember you”

("It took a while to even find you on Google, but I finally did.”)

“Thanks for your resume”

(“You’re too old.”)

“It would be great to see you”

(“Nearly as great as getting a serious case of the Asian Flu.”)

“Unfortunately, money is tight right now so I have no openings”

(“You’re too expensive. Experience doesn’t matter.”)

“So let’s hold off on a meeting”

(“They’ve gutted my department with layoffs and I don’t have time to go to the bathroom, much less lunch.”)

“I’ll get back to you when an appropriate position opens up that utilizes your special talents”

(“That will be a cold day in hell.”)

“Jim Smith
, VP”

(“I have a job and you don’t.”)

“Colossus Corp.”

(“Saved from collapse by the federal government.”)

Wait. The phony dance isn’t over:



“Thanks for your consideration”

(“I’m dying out here.”)

“Let’s stay in touch”

(“I won’t waste any more of my time.”)


(“May you rot in hell.”)


Ah, but this story has a happy ending.

“Dear John”

(“Old buddy, old friend.”)

“Remember me? I have just been informed my company is undergoing a downsizing and my position has been eliminated. We should have lunch.


"Jim Smith
, Consultant”

(No translation needed)

Please note my new e-mail address.

Visit Mr. Franken's website at

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