Congress Passes Carbon-Neutral Mandate for Individuals

February 18, 2010

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Bowing to the demands of the environmental lobby and Al Gore, House Democrats passed historic legislation that mandates that each American citizen be carbon-neutral. Senate Democrats are expected to bring this bill up next week, and President Barack Obama has indicated that he will sign it.

The Be Green or Go to Jail Act imposes stiff fines on those who are not carbon-neutral. A person will be required to keep a log of all of his or her daily activities, from how many times he or she flushed the toilet to how he/she went to work to how many lights were turned on. The utility companies will be required to strictly monitor the output of each individual.

Rich Americans who want to purchase carbon offsets will be allowed to do so at a newly mandated Carbon-Neutrality Exchange. The CAN-EX will be opened for business starting Jan. 1, 2011 on Wall Street, and it will be run by Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Ill.), who will leave Congress at the end of the year to become the CAN-EX’s first CEO.

CAN-EX was apparently the brainchild of Rahm’s brother Ari Emanuel, a Hollywood agent who apparently heard the demands of Ben Affleck and other Hollywood stars who want to be carbon-neutral but don’t want to live a carbon-neutral lifestyle. Advocates for the poor won a last-minute concession to give those living under the poverty line a nice subsidy to allow them to purchase their own version of a carbon offsets on the CAN-EX.

Middle-class Americans, who will get no subsidy and cannot afford to purchase an offset, will face the brunt of the regulations.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) hailed the new legislation: “House Democrats have once again made history. The United States government now has the power to regulate how people live their lives in a way that protects the environment. We don’t just want you to be green. We demand it.”

Al Gore said that while the legislation is a good start, it doesn’t go far enough. “I applaud the House taking this action. But I am not convinced that giving a subsidy for the poor is the right way to go. Poor people need to start living green, and they need to do it now.”