40 agenda items for America from Republican leaders

With Election Day 40 days away, the Republican leadership is about to release its latest political marketing effort: a new “Contract With America.” But their actions have already revealed what they really want for America.

Listed below are 40 agenda items we might find in the new Contract With America if Republican leaders were being honest about what they really wanted. Take a look at the list and use the Comments section below to add any I’ve missed.


1. More power: not the kind for our cars and homes, the kind for Republicans

2. A worse recession: so we can continue to blame the Democrats for not fixing our mess fast enough

3. A huge deficit: We believe deficits don’t matter unless we can use them politically

4. The “Agenda of NO”: We’re changing our name from GOP to NOP. (That’s John Boehner’s voice you hear saying, “Nope. Nope. Nope.”)

5. A crippled federal judiciary: We can block any nomination regardless of its impact on law and order

6. High unemployment: Government shouldn’t be in the business of creating jobs, and if people are working we can’t hire them to attend our fake “energy citizens” rallies

7. No deficit reduction commission: When we were in power, we reduced the deficit from +$270 billion to -$1 trillion; we don’t need a commission for that

8. Repeal of the Affordable Care Act: Keeping from 33 million people from what they didn’t have before won’t hurt them

9. Repeal of Wall Street reform: Why would we need to reform Wall Street? Haven’t America’s bankers and financiers been through enough already?

10. Tax breaks for the wealthiest Americans: They are struggling through this recession with only one summer home. Free up their cash!

11. Tax increases for 98 percent of Americans: We’ll hold hostage the middle-class tax cuts as long as we have to because someone has to pay for stuff — and the wealthy are busy buying vacation homes (see No. 10)

12. Repeal of the American Recovery Act: Why should 1.3 million people who had their jobs saved or created get this kind of special treatment?

13. More American Recovery Act “shovel-ready” projects: Government shouldn’t be in the business of creating or saving jobs — except ours by giving us pork spending projects to tout in our districts

14. Putting lobbyists back in charge in Washington: Who has your interests in mind more than the special interests?

15. More fear: Nothing motivates like it, nothing divides like it, nothing unites our party like it

16. A new catchy slogan: “We don’t just focus on the negative, we ARE negative.”

17. More Sarah Palin: The mantra of our party: “I quit”

18. Privatizing Social Security: We should trust Wall Street with ALL of our money

19. Bailout bashing: Keep complaining about the bailouts we enacted; America won’t figure out we’re lying before the midterms

20. Block bailout prevention: Industries like banking shouldn’t set up an emergency fund — we’ll let the taxpayers cover it again if disaster strikes again.

21. Religious education: Keep the discussion about President Obama being Muslim alive (see No. 15)

22. Statistical legislating: More talk about how many pages make up a bill instead of what policies are included in it

23. A new FBI: Federal Birth-certificate Investigation

24. Extreme candidates: Deny climate change, attack scientists, ridicule education advocate for the repeal of Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security!

25. Fiercely defend private property rights: unless someone wants to do something with their property that we can demagogue politically

26. Support the military: Stand up for our troops, then send them to war without proper equipment and then fail to take care of them when they come home

27. Appeal to youth: Nothing appeals to America’s youth like “young” middle-aged white guys in Congress walking around with their suit jackets off. And tweets (I’m looking at you, Grassley!)

28. Rein in government spending: Rant against it while ignoring explosive government growth during the last time we were in power

29. No earmarks! (except for our earmarks and spending policies that exploded earmark spending)

30. America upright: No bowing to foreign leaders, but plenty of apologies for BP

31. Government out of our bedrooms unless you are gay: but feel free to wiretap our e-mail and phone conversations

32. Support first responders: Except when you can call their jobs “government jobs”

33. Restore medical decisionmaking to the insurance companies, because they have your best interest at heart

34. Constitutional amendments: Add “Made in China”

35. Not “A laptop for every child,” but “an oil derrick in every yard”

36. Agenda item No. 1: More buildings, roads and airports named after Ronald Reagan

37. Freedom and liberty for all (except for American Muslims or someone who might look like an immigrant)

38. Abolish the Department of Education: Taking the NOPe agenda all the way

39. Repeal Medicare and Medicaid: No more government bailouts

40. Tolerance: Satanic Wiccan extremists, OK. Moderates, not welcome