Lite Observations on the GOP

I thought I’d take this moment to interrupt the endless stream of bitterness and bile from the left toward the departed Rev. Jerry Falwell and insert some lighter observations about the GOP presidential candidates and the next (no doubt highly anticipated) debate.

My dad used to say, “If a little is good, a lot is better” — usually in reference to the handful of Rolaids he was chewing. It looks like the Romney for President campaign has picked up on my dear father’s words of wisdom:

"The more [voters] look at these top three guys as presidential contenders, the more they will look at the differences between them. The only thing better than a little Mitt Romney is a lot of Mitt Romney." (Alex Castellanos, Romney media adviser)

I don’t have a horse in this race (so far), but I have to agree with Castellanos’s sentiment. The more I see and hear from Romney, the more impressed I am with him as a leader. He strikes me as the kind of guy who doesn’t panic or overreact. I like that quality in a guy who can declare war and bomb people. It’s so …James Bond. Capable of delivering that fatal blow, but tempered enough to know when — and when not — to do it.

My only real reservation about Romney is his Mormonism. No, not for theological reasons, but for the sheer fact that this man was born to wear a smoking jacket and ascot. It breaks my heart to see him in a suit and tie. If he could just be caught on camera drinking a martini, I think his poll numbers would triple overnight.

As for the rest of the GOP contenders, here’s how I would script their next debate:

McCain wears a monocle, Joe Piscopo resurrects his career by standing in for Sam Brownback, and Huckabee lets rip a loud, "Well, gaaaaaaawwwww-leee," a la Gomer Pyle. Romney looks directly at the camera and holds up a pack of Orbit chewing gum while flashing a big, bright smile. And Giuliani, well, he brings a bullwhip and cracks it at the moderator a few times, just so everyone knows he’s in charge. Every other candidate on stage falls through a trapdoor after being introduced. Who needs ‘em?

More in Presidential Campaign

Does Jeb Bush have a Mitt Romney problem?

Read more »