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--> A midday take on what's happening in politics and how to have a sense of humor about it.*

*Ha. Haha. Hahah. Sniff. Haha. Sniff. Ha--breaks down crying hysterically.

 

The Hill's 12:30 Report: Paul RyanPaul Davis RyanGOP lambasts Trump over performance in Helsinki Trump stuns the world at Putin summit Former Trump aide says he canceled CNN appearance over 'atrocious' Helsinki coverage MORE to retire in January | Reaction from Trump, colleagues | What it means for GOP in midterms | Speculation on next Speaker | Trump at crisis point with Mueller | Mueller wants subpoenas for 35 witnesses in Manafort trial | Trump taunts Russia on Syria, says missiles coming | Round two for Zuckerberg

 

How I imagine Paul Ryan secretly celebrating this afternoon.

 

THIS MORNING IN ONE TWEET

 

 

BREAKING NEWS OF THE MORNING

Paul Ryan triggers his inner Elmer Fudd -- 'Ah, rest and relaxation at last!' --> http://bit.ly/2qtBQ5h:

House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) just announced that he is retiring from Congress and will not run for reelection in November. Why: The standard "spend more time with your family" reasonIs this out of the blue?: Eh, not really. There has been speculation for months that Ryan was on his way out. What this means for the GOP: This isn't good news. It gives the appearance that he is conceding Republican control of the House. Likely successors: Either Majority Leader Kevin McCarthyKevin Owen McCarthyHouse GOP reverses, cancels vote on Dem bill to abolish ICE Pelosi: 'The Russians have something on the president' The Hill's Morning Report — Trump, Putin meet under cloud of Mueller’s Russia indictments MORE (R-Calif.) or Majority Whip Steve ScaliseStephen (Steve) Joseph ScaliseHouse GOP reverses, cancels vote on Dem bill to abolish ICE Overnight Energy: Koch backs bill opposing carbon taxes | Lawmakers look to Interior budget to block offshore drilling | EPA defends FOIA process Koch backs House measure opposing carbon taxes MORE (R-La.). http://bit.ly/2Hrkugy

Watch Ryan's announcement at the Capitol: http://bit.ly/2qoGyRz

Spotted in the Capitol this morning: "Lots of Speaker Ryan staff that do not work in the Capitol are here at his office this morning..." (h/t NBC's Alex Moehttp://bit.ly/2HeTpPL

Prediction: "Early reaction: Ryan will get pressure to hold leadership elections very very soon." (From Politico's Jake Shermanhttp://bit.ly/2HqL09B

Context for November -- not great for the GOP: "Speaker Ryan's retirement will be interpreted as practically conceding that the GOP will lose the House. Probably will stimulate more R retirements." (From Crystal Ball's Larry Sabatohttp://bit.ly/2v0Bck4

No 2012 overlap: Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt RomneyWillard (Mitt) Mitt RomneyGOP lambasts Trump over performance in Helsinki Romney: Trump's remarks at Putin summit 'disgraceful and detrimental to democratic principles' Utah's largest paper compares child separation to war crimes in scathing editorial MORE is running for Senate, while Paul Ryan, his 2012 running mate, is leaving. 

Reaction from President TrumpDonald John TrumpShocking summit with Putin caps off Trump’s turbulent Europe trip GOP lambasts Trump over performance in Helsinki Trump stuns the world at Putin summit MORE: "Speaker Paul Ryan is a truly good man, and while he will not be seeking re-election, he will leave a legacy of achievement that nobody can question. We are with you Paul!" he tweeted. http://bit.ly/2ILHtm1

Just as Ryan made his announcement -- another GOP retirement: Rep. Dennis RossDennis Alan RossTrump, GOP launch full-court press on compromise immigration measure GOP will vote on immigration next week, sinking discharge petition GOP centrists face decision day on Dreamer petition MORE (R-Fla.) announced his retirement. "He said he was informing staff about his decision and looked up at Fox News to see Speaker Paul Ryan had decided to step down." More from the Tampa Bay Times: http://bit.ly/2GQ3C61

 

It's Wednesday -- hockey playoffs start tonight! I'm Cate Martel with a quick recap of the morning and what's coming up. Send comments, story ideas and events for our radar to cmartel@thehill.com@CateMartel and on Facebook.

 

LATEST WITH THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION

Just now — update on the Manafort trial:

Via Bloomberg’s Joe Schneider, special counsel Robert MuellerRobert Swan MuellerSasse: US should applaud choice of Mueller to lead Russia probe MORE has asked a judge for 35 subpoenas in the trial of President Trump’s former campaign chair Paul ManafortPaul John Manafort5 revelations from Mueller's indictment of Russians in DNC hack Mueller indicts 12 Russians in 2016 DNC hack The dishonesty of the deep state MORE. Names?: Nope, so far the subpoenas are blank but the names will be added later. https://bloom.bg/2GUWdhB

 

I wouldn't want to be the one delivering the president his breakfast this morning, that's all I'm saying:

This morning, President Trump blamed tensions between the U.S. and Russia on special counsel Robert Mueller's probe into Russian election interference in 2016. http://bit.ly/2qmqCPO He tweeted:

WHY WE MAY BE AT A CRISIS POINT WITH TRUMP AND MUELLER: President Trump's showdown with Robert Mueller headed toward a crisis point yesterday, with the White House saying Trump has legal authority to fire the special counsel. Why Republicans are anxious: Republicans unnerved by the president's anger in public and private sought to talk him down, fearing a "Saturday night massacre"–style series of firings harking back to the Nixon era was growing more likely. What brought this on: Trump is furious over the FBI raid on Monday on his personal lawyer, Michael Cohen. Reactions on Capitol Hill: http://bit.ly/2GTSh0V

 

Last night -- I'm sure this story didn't help things: 

Last night, The New York Times's Maggie Haberman and Michael S. Schmidt reported that President Trump tried to fire special counsel Robert Mueller in December. Details: "The president's anger was fueled by reports that the subpoenas [Mueller had] were for obtaining information about his business dealings with Deutsche Bank ... [then] his lawyers and advisers worked quickly to learn about the subpoenas, and ultimately were told by Mr. Mueller's office that the reports were not accurate, leading the president to back down." Why this matters: "Trump's quick conclusion that the erroneous news reports warranted firing Mueller is also an insight into [his] state of mind about the special counsel." https://nyti.ms/2JBRZx6

 

This morning -- the 'protect Mueller' campaign:

A group of bipartisan senators is introducing new legislation to limit President Trump's ability to fire special counsel Robert MuellerHow so: The legislation would let Mueller, or any other special counsel, receive an "expedited judicial review" within 10 days of being fired to determine if it was for a "good cause." If it was determined it wasn't, he would be reinstated. http://bit.ly/2GPttv0

MEANWHILE: House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin NunesDevin Gerald NunesFreedom Caucus lawmakers call on DOJ to probe Rosenstein allegations Indictments show the need for Mueller investigation to continue Overnight Health Care: Official defends suspending insurer payments | What Kavanaugh's nomination means for ObamaCare | Panel approves bill to halt employer mandate MORE (R-Calif.) said he will seek to "impeach" FBI Director Christopher Wray and Deputy Attorney General Rod RosensteinRod Jay RosensteinFreedom Caucus lawmakers call on DOJ to probe Rosenstein allegations Press: Whose side is Trump on? Indictments show the need for Mueller investigation to continue MORE if they decline to hand over the document used to launch the FBI's probe into possible collusion. http://bit.ly/2EBgpDf

  

ZUCKERBERG ON CAPITOL HILL

Round two -- ding, ding: 

Facebook CEO Mark ZuckerbergMark Elliot ZuckerbergViolence in Myanmar poses major test for Facebook US, EU must work together in wake of Facebook data breach Hillicon Valley: Lawmakers press Apple, Google on data collection | 21M affected by Timehop breach | Zuckerberg passes Buffett on rich list | Latest on Twitter's bot crackdown MORE is in his second day of testimony on Capitol Hill where he is being grilled about his company’s handling of data privacy.

Livestream and live blog of updates: http://bit.ly/2JDdUUI 

HOW DAY ONE WENT FOR ZUCK: He handled himself pretty well. Mark Zuckerberg, the 33-year-old founder and CEO of Facebook, emerged largely unscathed despite sometimes-aggressive questioning from lawmakers that went well beyond the Cambridge Analytica controversy. Full breakdown of Day 1: http://bit.ly/2v4fY4Z

That's a cushy chair: Photo of Zuckerberg's chair with extra cushioning: http://bit.ly/2JDSN4y

Omg, that line to get in: Video: http://bit.ly/2EDjkeK

The sad part about the long line: "Guys there are like 40 seats not reserved for press or staff." (Tweet from Business Insider's Joe Perticonehttp://bit.ly/2IKgcA5

Lol, that's a pretty funny protester sign: Photo: http://bit.ly/2GPyd3A

  

LATEST WITH SYRIA

This a.m. -- Trump taunts Russia: 

President Trump warned Russia that "nice and new and 'smart'" missiles would be headed to Syria, saying, "Get ready Russia." Full tweet: "Russia vows to shoot down any and all missiles fired at Syria. Get ready Russia, because they will be coming, nice and new and 'smart' You shouldn't be partners with a Gas Killing Animal who kills his people and enjoys it!" http://bit.ly/2HjkyB8

 

What to expect from Trump on Syria: 

Via The New York Times's Peter Baker, Helene Cooper and Thomas Gibbons-NeffPresident Trump is considering a stronger response to the latest reported Syrian chemical attack than the missile attack he authorized last year. Good explainer: https://nyti.ms/2HbZ3SP

Throwback to Donald Trump in 2013: He tweeted, "Why do we keep broadcasting when we are going to attack Syria. Why can't we just be quiet and, if we attack at all, catch them by surprise?" http://bit.ly/2GUTAfG

^Context from The New York Times's Michael Barbaro: "This morning he broadcasted coming attack on...Syria, contradicting himself [from 2013.]" http://bit.ly/2ECD5mQ

Op-ed on the high stakes in Syria: http://bit.ly/2GTyOBq

  

SPOTTED

Working on that topspin: 

Last night, the Metro D.C. Chapter of the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation hosted its annual celebrity tennis gala at the Army Navy Country Club in Arlington, Va. Spotted: Sen. Tom UdallThomas (Tom) Stewart UdallEPA deputy says he's not interested in Pruitt’s job Latina Leaders to Watch 2018 Overnight Energy: Spending bill targets Pruitt | Ryan not paying 'close attention' to Pruitt controversies | Yellowstone park chief learned of dismissal through press release MORE (D-N.M.), Rep. Dave Brat (R-Va.), former Sen. John Breaux (D-La.), former Rep. Cal Dooley (D-Calif.), Alan HolmerJosh Bolten, The Hill editor-in-chief Bob Cusack and former tennis professionals Richey Reneberg, Virginia Wade, Brian Gottfried and Sherwood Stewart.

 

NOTABLE TWEETS:

Womp, womp:

 

Hmmm:

  

ON TAP:

The House and Senate are in. President Trump and Vice President Pence are both in Washington, D.C., today at the White House.

11 a.m. EDT: President Trump signs the Allow States and Victims to Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act of 2017.

12:20 p.m. EDT: The Senate votes.

12:30 p.m. EDT: President Trump has lunch with Vice President Pence.

1:30 p.m. EDT: First votes in the House.

4:30 p.m. EDT: Last votes in the House.

6:30 p.m. EDT: President Trump has dinner with Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.), Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnellAddison (Mitch) Mitchell McConnellGOP lambasts Trump over performance in Helsinki Overnight Defense: Washington reeling from Trump, Putin press conference Feehery: The long game MORE (R-Ky.) and Senate Majority Whip John CornynJohn CornynMcConnell: Russians are not our friends Russians' indictment casts shadow ahead of Trump-Putin summit Top GOP senator: Trump should be 'clear-eyed' going into meeting with Putin MORE (R-Texas). http://bit.ly/2EDUmvR

 

WHAT TO WATCH:

3:30 p.m. EDT: White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders gives a press briefing.

7 p.m. EDT: The 2018 Stanley Cup playoffs begin. ESPN's "must-see" games: https://es.pn/2Hw63I8

Tuesday April 17: Ex-porn star Stormy Daniels will appear on "The View." http://bit.ly/2EEGNfE

 

NOW FOR THE FUN STUFF...:

Today is National Cheese Fondue Day. Two thumbs up.

 

I dare you to make it through these photos without smiling. I. DARE. YOU.:

Four service dogs went to Disneyland and met all the characters. Important to note: Each of them is wearing a version of Mickey Mouse ears. The photos are incredible --> https://bzfd.it/2HsbPua

FOR EXAMPLE -- I MEAN, COME ON. LOOK AT THIS GOLDEN RETRIEVER MEETING PLUTO:

 

And because you read this far, here's a dog balancing treats in the shape of a Jenga game on his nose. I'm rooting for you! http://bit.ly/2qoMCcN