Final 2008 tally in: Bill Clinton edges out Santa

The official results of the 2008 presidential and congressional elections were released Thursday by the Federal Election Commission, nearly nine months after voters went to the polls.
 
The top races were widely covered in the media, but the new report sheds light on a unique, parallel, political contest: tens of thousands of votes cast for write-in candidates, ultra-fringe parties, and fictitious (or erroneous) contenders.
 
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Some highlights from the bottom of the electoral barrel:
 
Candidates for President of the United States
Claus, Mr. Santa:  9 votes
Clinton, Mr. Bill: 19 votes
Duck, Mr. Donald: 7 votes
Jesus, Mr. [blank]: 5 votes
Jockey, Mr. The: 809 votes
Mouse, Mr. Mickey: 11 votes
Plumber, Mr. Joe: 5 votes
Supreme, Mr. Vermin: 43 votes
 
If there were a prize for possessing an almost embarrassing level of self-importance, it might be awarded to the following individuals. Each of them received only one write-in vote for president: Reverend Mere Peace-MsMere, "Lou" Kujawski, John Leroy Plemons, Keith Russell Judd, Shelley Renée Upchurch, Jose M. Aparicio, Theodis (Ted) Brown, Sr., Ronald G. Hobbs, Charles Jay, Curtis Montgomery, Michael Skok, James R. Germalic, and David Jon Sponheim.
 
A candidate’s name can significantly help or hinder their election chances. Just ask the following long-shot challengers:
 
For United States Senator
Ole Savior (Minn.): 1,227 votes
“Pro-Life” (Idaho): 8,662 votes
 
For United States House of Representatives
Theodore “Ted” Terbolizard (Calif., 4th): 2,249 votes
Danial Suits (Ark., 2nd): 665 votes
David “the flag-pole sitter” Werder (Fla. 5th): 3,532 votes
Joseph C. “Hippie Joe” Stockett (Ind. 7th): 1,125 votes
Chester T. “Catfish” Kelley (La. 4th): 3,245 votes
Eve “No. 1 Mom” Ellingwood (Nev. 1st): 1,137 votes
Edward “Mr. Clean” Hamilton (Nev. 1st): 761 votes
Joseph “Lone Vet” Walsh (Ore. 3rd): 8783 votes
 
There are more than 100 unique political parties recognized by the FEC. Absent an eye-catching moniker, a potential candidate may want to consider one of these “extra-special” affiliations:
 
ADB = All-Day Breakfast Party

BTP = Boston Tea Party

GR = Green-Rainbow

HFC = Hsing for Congress (aka “I filled out the wrong form” party)

HQK = HeartQuake '08

PPC = Poor People's Campaign

PPR = Puerto Ricans for Puerto Rico Party

RTB = Rock the Boat

THI = Think Independently

TLP = Term Limits for the United States Congress Party

VH = Vote Here

Election reporting laws vary from state to state; certain states record the name of every write-in candidate, while others bundle non-party vote recipients into a “scattered” category.