Political satirist, 72
Will perform at Ford’s Theatre Tuesday through Sunday during inauguration week. He has appeared on PBS, CNN, MSNBC and “The Tonight Show” with Johnny Carson.
When I was a kid, I played piano on the Hill at the old Carroll Arms Hotel, which is now a parking lot. I play theaters in other cities, banquets, the lecture circuit, all over the country. I go to Minot, N.D. Wichita, Anchorage ... all these towns, they have these little theaters.
When I first started, I was just a local guy and they said no one is going to understand you outside of Washington. Well, that wasn’t true. You have political junkies outside of Washington. | |
It’s a labor of love. I have a passion for politics and history, and I feel sorry for people around here who don’t. It’s really an outrage how they’ve diverted homeland security’s allotment to the inauguration. My advice: In the event of an attack, hide under a float.
I never tell anyone what my political affiliation is. I’ve been able to fool people all my life. At the end of a show, they really don’t know where I stand. Another way of putting it, both political parties find me offensive, but not at the same time.
Born and raised in Buffalo, we moved to Washington when I was still a teenager because my parents had heard that Washington never had a depression. So that’s how I wound up here. If Buffalo was economically successful, I wouldn’t be here. I don’t know what I’d be doing.
Back in the day, I would go to the Senate Caucus Room. You could just walk in off the street and sit down. Here I was at the piano, and I’d start talking about what was going on. I thought to myself, if someone isn’t ticked off, I’m not doing it right.
I think people who say that President Bush is stupid make a big mistake. People who say that he’s brilliant, they make a bigger mistake.
If I try my material out on my wife and she doesn’t laugh, I’m upset. And then if she does laugh, I’m wondering if she’s faking it. After all this time I still can’t tell if my wife is faking it. Women are pretty good at that, you know.
I have one brother; he’s a pianist at the Mayflower Hotel. My father was a salesman for Mobil Oil. My family owned a gas station in Alexandria, Va. My father couldn’t afford to hire anybody, so he put my brother and me to work. We spilled more gas than we got into the tank. We wore little leather bow ties and military-style hats.
I never went to college. I wanted to be a musician, a jazz pianist. I just couldn’t hack it, but I still wanted to be in entertainment. They let me in the musicians union, but they wouldn’t let me work anywhere. One year on New Year’s Eve, a piano player in a band at the Mayflower got sick. I was the only piano player in town not working. I
got the call: Get down here right away.
I got there, but I didn’t know the songs. Finally, the bandleader says, “Fine, you play what you want.” So I start playing a song, and I get to the middle of it and I don’t know the rest. He reached into his wallet right there, paid me and kicked me off the bandstand.
As far as television is concerned, I’ve done the Carson “Tonight Show,” “Good Morning America” and CNN. It went all right, but it wasn’t great. When I do guest shots on anything that has a news flavor, I’m better off. But when I’m in a showbiz setting, the audience is too wide. So if I start talking about the House Ways and Means Committee, their eyes glaze over.
The myth about people like me is that we read a dozen newspapers a day. I think that’s kind of stupid. After reading The Washington Post and Washington Times, I’m confused to the point where to clear my head I just start writing jokes.
I really hate TV. In the average hour on CNN, MSNBC or Fox, you’re going to see about a million commercials for Ditech, and that’ll drive you nuts. I’ll watch Jim Lehrer “NewsHour” — no commercials.
As told to Betsy Rothstein |
