Democrats Debate in Front of Bloggers
Edwards and Obama Promise Never to Accept Lobbyist Money Ever Again
Saturday, Aug. 4, 2007

CHICAGO — Today, Democratic presidential candidates squared off before an important constituency: liberal bloggers. Bloggers, who make up the most radical yet most influential part of the Democratic base, booed Hillary Clinton when she said that lobbyists were people too. John Edwards and Barack Obama, both sensing opportunity, promised to do everything in their power to eliminate the scourge of lobbying, starting with a refusal ever to accept lobbyist money again. All the candidates agreed to pull out of Iraq immediately, although Joe BidenJoe BidenBudget official says he didn't know why military aid was delayed: report Growing 2020 field underscores Democratic divide READ: Foreign service officer Jennifer Williams' closed-door testimony from the House impeachment inquiry MORE warned that only he knew how hard that was to really do.

Democrats Debate in front of AFL-CIO
All Candidates Promise to Pull out of NAFTA Immediately
Tuesday, Aug. 7, 2007

CHICAGO — Today, Democratic presidential candidates squared off before an important constituency — labor unions — at Soldier Field. Screeching over the mostly uninterested crowd, Dennis Kucinich promised to pull the United States out of the North American Free Trade Agreement. All of the other candidates immediately agreed that that was the right thing to do, although Joe Biden warned that only he knew how hard that was to really do.

Democrats Debate in Front of Gay and Lesbian Activists
Thursday, Aug. 9, 2007

SAN FRANCISCO — Today, Democratic presidential candidates squared off before an important constituency — gay and lesbian political leaders. John Edwards, prodded by his wife, agreed that he was wrong about gay marriage. Barack Obama said that he was for gay marriage long before Hillary Clinton and that if his wife had been president, he never would have let her sign the "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" policy. Joe Biden warned that while he supported gay marriage, only he knew how hard it was to pass that in the Senate.


Democrats Debate on Univision

Saturday, Aug. 11, 2007

CHICAGO — Today, Democratic presidential candidates squared off before an important constituency — Hispanic voters. Bill Richardson had a distinct advantage in the debate, since he was the only candidate who understood the questions. Hillary Clinton, showing off her command of Spanish, ordered a pitcher of margaritas and a plate of chicken fajitas for the entire audience. Dennis Kucinich came out in favor of a mandate that all English speakers learn Spanish by the year 2010. Joe Biden warned that while he supported such a policy, it would be hard to get that kind of mandate passed in the House.

Democrats Debate on the Environment
Monday, Aug. 13, 2007

REDWOOD FOREST, Calif. — Today, Democratic presidential candidates squared off before an important constituency — radical environmentalists. Chris Dodd promised a plan that would eliminate the combustion engine by the year 2015, but was booed off the stage because his plan was too moderate. Dennis Kucinich promised to pass a mandate that all Americans could only either walk or bike ride, and that any American caught using air conditioning would be subject to the death penalty. Joe Biden said that while he supported that kind of stringent policy, it would be tough to pass it in the Senate.


Democrats Debate UFO Policy
Wednesday, Aug. 15, 2007

ROSWELL, N.M. — Today, Democratic presidential candidates squared off before an important constituency — UFO believers. Bill Richardson, the governor of New Mexico, promised that his administration would pursue every available avenue to reach out to the aliens. Said Richardson, “I have talked to Saddam Hussein. I have talked to Kim Jong Il. I can surely talk to these alien bastards.” Dennis Kucinich, however, one-upped Richardson. “Not only have I already reached out to these aliens," Kucinich said, "my mother is an alien. We need a real alien policy in this country that will promote peace with those of us who are not of this world.”

Democrats Debate in Front of Red-Headed Stepchildren
Friday, Aug. 17, 2007
CHICAGO — Today, Democratic presidential candidates squared off before an important constituency — red-headed stepchildren. The Association of RHSC, the largest gathering of red-headed stepchildren in the world, has long fought for equal rights for all red-headed stepchildren. Chris Dodd, in an emotional speech, said while he himself didn’t have red hair, many members of his family did. “I feel their pain. They deserve equal rights.” Dennis Kucinich promised to introduce an amendment to the Constitution protecting the rights of all red-heads, not just stepchildren. “It is the right thing to do,” he said.